Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Yes, but are you sure there's a baby in there?

I still am not convinced that I am pregnant. I am 16 weeks, and have a very obvious baby bump. My breasts have grown to the size of large cantaloupes. I have heartburn so wicked everynight, that I keep a jumbo size bottle of TUMS on my nightstand. My ass is huge. (OK, that is not necessarily a pregnancy symptom. It was always pretty good sized) Just this morning I heard the heartbeat with my doppler. Still...

I totally don't feel pregnant. I am trying to remember my previous pregnancies, and the feelings I had. I remember being scared, and unsure. I remember being a little pissed that I couldn't smoke anymore. I know I couldn't wait to start showing. But I am sure that I felt pregnant.

Maybe it is a psychosomatic thing, where I am subconciously detaching from the pregnancy for fear of experiencing another loss. Maybe I have become more impatient as I have gotten older. I mean, I hate standing in lines or waiting in traffic, how did you think I would fare waiting 3/4 of a year for another human being? It irritates me to have to wait for my 10-year-old to tie his shoes before we leave for the store. This one is no doubt trying my patience by waiting 16 FREAKING WEEKS to even wiggle a toe.

Or maybe I am just exhausted. I'm not 21 anymore. I am admittedly a little nervous about starting all over again with a newborn. I may not remember much about my pregnancies, but I remember the exhaustion after they were born. The sleepless nights. The constant crying. The cracked and bleeding nipples. It was really, really hard. Really.

So hopefully once this little one starts to wiggle around, I will bond a little more with it. Maybe I will start to feel that mother connection that makes the lack of sleep and spit up stains worthwhile. I will fall in love with this child the way I did with my boys.

So get with it, punk. *pokes belly*