Oh shit...

Last night I started having some more painful contractions. They were irregular, but more painful than Braxton Hicks contractions. I blame myself, since I have been doing pelvic exercises on a birth ball and chasing evening primrose oil with red raspberry tea, laced with black cohosh. Josh was his usual disinterested self at first, but as I started making more, "Ow ow ow ow" sounds, he became slightly concerned and asked if we needed to go to the hospital.

I think that was the exact moment that it finally sank it that I was GOING TO HAVE A BABY. Not someday, not eventually, not some far off intangible time, but REALLY FUCKING SOON!!! I was going to have to go to the hospital, go through hours of unbearable pain, shove a bloody screaming mess of a human out of my vagina, and then take it home and turn it into a responsible member of society.

OH. SHIT.

I'm not ready for this. I mean, yes the nursery is all complete and waiting for a tiny child to make it usable, the car seat is installed, all of the bottles are washed and put away, and everything at work is ready for me to go on maternity leave. But I am not ready. I just got my shit together! Now it's going to be all...untogether, for a good 3 years!!! WTF HAVE I DONE?!?

So ya know what I did? I didn't color my hair. I was going to color my hair last night as the final preparation for birth. It's all I really have left to do, and I figured the little shit was waiting on that to make his grand entrance. So I didn;t do it. As long as I don't color my hair, he can't come out, right?

This makes sense in my pregnant brain.

This baby is going to be born in prison...

...because I am close to killing someone.

It may be one of the dozens of people who approach me daily and ask the same 5 questions about my baby. Cause of death: In Wal-Mart, with a shopping cart.

It may be my husband, who does not seem to understand that I am a) hormonal and b) exhausted. I am not interested in having an argument over whether or not to have stuffing for dinner. In the study, beaten to death with the XBox he plays incessantly.

Could be my employees, who's brains seem to have fallen right out of their heads and they have forgotten how to do EVERYTHING. So of course, I have to do it, along with all of my crap, while I am a miserable 9 months pregnant. In my office, with a stapler.

Could be my OB, for telling me that I am 36 weeks, not dilated, not effaced, baby's head is high, and he is still posterior. Technically, not the OB's fault, but someone has to pay the price.

No one is safe...

*DISCLAIMER* This is a joke. I am just extremely irritable, and the next 4 weeks are going to be LOOOOONG!

Cash's Room!

So this is now officially our favorite room in the house! Sometimes we just sit in there and talk!

Ready Freddy

I am 35 weeks today, but I feel like I'm 40 weeks! I'm ready to meet this little guy! We have had our shower, which was wonderful, and his room is all ready. Everything is bought, washed, painted, installed, and waiting. I am exhausted, can't breathe, my shoes don't fit anymore, and I am just plain ready! I know that he is still probably not ready for at least a couple weeks though.

I started drinking red raspberry leaf tea, and taking evening primrose oil. This is one of those crazy myths that supposedly helps soften your cervix in preparation for birth. We shall see.

Seriously?

My sister is throwing me a shower next month. Traditionally, you have a shower 4-6 weeks before your due date. I know it is a bit early, but we decided to do it in November for multiple reasons.

1. I am historically very cranky the last month of my pregnancy. Being a petite woman, carrying an almost full-time baby is cumbersome and a little annoying for me. I will not be in a "party mood" in February.

2. January in KC is known for ice storms. January is also a "recovery month" for a lot of people financially. Christmas really does a number on people, and most of them will be less than thrilled to get out in the suck-ass weather to come to a shower.

3. December just sucks. Every weekend is another holiday thing to go to, for work, family, friends, etc. Plus the stress of buying gifts and baking pies and what-not. I don't want to do that to my friends and family, so December is out.

4. Since we are waiting until the shower to find out the sex, I don't want to wait too long!

5. November 15th is perfect! One of my BFFs who is moving out of state (tomorrow in fact) will be back in town that weekend anyway. I really want her to be at the shower since she has been there for me through the miscarriage and this pregnancy.

So we planned it for Sunday, November 15th. Josh has to work that day until 2:30, so we planned it for 3:30. My sister scoured venues, planned the menu, and had the most adorable invitations made that look like airplane tickets (we have a theme). Everything was going perfectly...

Then I received the information last Saturday that my sister-in-law wanted to have her twin boys' birthday party that day. Their birthday is earlier that week, and they don't want to have it Saturday because of- wait for it-college football. We obviously would be inviting most all the same people from Josh's side of the family. My sister had already sent out invites, so I assumed my SIL would change the date. WRONG! She promptly hand-delivered her invites so they would beat mine. She said that the family "would just have to choose" and refused to change her date. The time is even the same, across town, so family can't make it to both.

Seriously?

see more Funny Graphs

Yes, but are you sure there's a baby in there?

I still am not convinced that I am pregnant. I am 16 weeks, and have a very obvious baby bump. My breasts have grown to the size of large cantaloupes. I have heartburn so wicked everynight, that I keep a jumbo size bottle of TUMS on my nightstand. My ass is huge. (OK, that is not necessarily a pregnancy symptom. It was always pretty good sized) Just this morning I heard the heartbeat with my doppler. Still...

I totally don't feel pregnant. I am trying to remember my previous pregnancies, and the feelings I had. I remember being scared, and unsure. I remember being a little pissed that I couldn't smoke anymore. I know I couldn't wait to start showing. But I am sure that I felt pregnant.

Maybe it is a psychosomatic thing, where I am subconciously detaching from the pregnancy for fear of experiencing another loss. Maybe I have become more impatient as I have gotten older. I mean, I hate standing in lines or waiting in traffic, how did you think I would fare waiting 3/4 of a year for another human being? It irritates me to have to wait for my 10-year-old to tie his shoes before we leave for the store. This one is no doubt trying my patience by waiting 16 FREAKING WEEKS to even wiggle a toe.

Or maybe I am just exhausted. I'm not 21 anymore. I am admittedly a little nervous about starting all over again with a newborn. I may not remember much about my pregnancies, but I remember the exhaustion after they were born. The sleepless nights. The constant crying. The cracked and bleeding nipples. It was really, really hard. Really.

So hopefully once this little one starts to wiggle around, I will bond a little more with it. Maybe I will start to feel that mother connection that makes the lack of sleep and spit up stains worthwhile. I will fall in love with this child the way I did with my boys.

So get with it, punk. *pokes belly*